The Tears of Clown

Like a clown I roam this world. My youth is fast fading before my age. I am getting bald and weak. Day by day, the massive change occurred in my body. I wondered what God thought when He scripted my story. Four years ago, I was happiest man alive on the planet. I thought the ending of my life story would like the story of ‘the beauty and the beast’. I thought God had put me through enough test and he was giving me a reward. As a child I was thrown against the storm of cruel fate as if I was the Adam himself who went against the will of God. With the last ounce of energy left in my system, with last drop of sinew left in my bone and with last strength left in my muscle, I endured God’s fury like a domiciled prisoner. I struggled hard to understand the God’s fury with education for I knew the pen is always mightier than the sword.

Then, God, your cruel fury knew no bound. You knew that I wouldn’t break down with the punishment you meted out to me. You were jealous of my strength to persevere the mindless ordeals you meted out to me. Since you were the Maker, you knew my limit. You threw the perfect bait on my way to distract me. As you have wanted, I took the bait like a hungry fish. I was hungry for happiness after so many years of sufferings.  She was perfect in forms, arts, brains and beauty. There were hundred boys waiting for her hand. She chose me as if I was her very prince charming. It was your idea, God. You made her chose me.  Else why should lady of her league chose the man of my stature. I had no wealth to bribe her feelings, no looks to loot her mind and no brain to build her dreams.

After she accepted me, I was in the 32^nd Heaven. Happiness in me grew like a lotus blooming from the mud. I then planned my future keeping her in the centre of my universe. I thought she would be there with me forever. I thought she would be there to wipe my tears when I cry. I thought she would be there to pull me up when I fall down. I thought she would be there telling me jokes when the world criticized me. I never thought she would be the cause of this new-found nightmares and sorrow.

God, your cunning mind built this cruel plan. You gave me the consolation prize to take her away. Like a fool lost in his dream, I took the bait. I didn’t know it was your will to send me away for studies so that you can give her to another man. You knew how foolish human beings are. After all, it was you who made us from the dirty clay. When I qualified for the scholarship, I was building the dream which couldn’t be realized. I thought she would be there in Bhutan waiting for me. I imagined her waiting for me with arms outstretched and tears of joys adorning her eyes. Oh! How foolish was I?

You threw the man on her way creating every favorable circumstance whereas in my case you threw me numerous obstacles. God, you gave her to another man. Thank you God for your cruel will. Still you were unsatisfied with little happiness I enjoyed with her before I lost her. You kept on punishing me again and again. You sent me the malady called paralysis which took away my gift from Mother Nature to move. It was here I decided to revolt against you.  I knew that I could walk again with my own will even if it goes against your dominating will. With help of science and effort of self, I walked again.  I also understand why once your arch angel Satan hates you so much. You are the selfish being lost in your own glory.

However, I couldn’t push her out of my memory. Every moment, this memory drained my energy. I tried hard not to miss her so much. I didn’t succeed despite my utmost struggle. God, though my energy was diminished, you still found me standing.  You sent me another punishment in the form of cancer. You knew the modern science has thin chance against this beast. Together with memory of her and cancer, you knew I had no chance. Unknown to your all-knowing mind, the last punishment was a blessing in disguise. When I am dead, my memory about her will cease to exist. God, I will meet you there at your damned heaven. Let us have a nice war of words over a cup of coffee (if you drink).

God, you may have seen how hard I cry when I write this today. You gave me the role of clown in this world. God, you may be thinking that the tears I shed today are nothing but the tears of clown. God, no matter what I said, you are a winner. You succeeded taking her away from me. You are almost completing your mission of killing me. God, if you have a pint of compassion in you, let me see my love just once before I die. I know she will never wave me goodbye. Still I want bid her proper farewell shedding the tears of a clown.