Rambles of Thoughts

‘ In the drunken stupor I write

All those feelings curled back

In mind’s corner during sober state

The wine drags out all I controlled;

The pent up anger, unrealized love,

The toiling favour and unrelenting world.’

I switched on my computer and opened ms word hoping to write something. I want to write an inspirational piece that described my hardships in life and that would inspire people who lost hope in life. But then, I don’t know what to write and what part of life could be inspirational. Well, I don’t doubt my struggle and challenges in life, I doubt my ability to write effectively and creatively. The writing is not very difficult but writing a meaningful is.

First of all, I try to write because I want to update my blog which is also personal journal of sort. My blog may not be read by a single man but it is my closest friend. To my blog, I can share my feelings and experience, I can confide my fear and expectation and I can speak what my heart desired without fear of backlash and jeers. I want to tell my blog how I feel today and how I felt before.

Despite the utmost will to write, the situation of my present life obstructs the paths of my thought. This marriage life has become hell for me. The guy brought up in poor atmosphere but with freedom of will and will power can’t handle this intrusive and arrogant situation called marriage. It is suffocating wind pipe of my existence and gently getting to my bones. In few years, it will kill my freedom of thoughts, speech and body.

The jealousy for ex-girl friends, looking down for being poor, name calling for being not handsome and strangling the pace of my social life are too much for me to handle. I understand she is pregnant and mood swings and irritations are part of her journey of towards mother hood. But then, bothering every day and every time is like putting me through less intense hell to more intense hell. Day by day, suffering in this hell is getting worse and worse. I doubt myself whether I will survive this ordeal. I felt like putting an end to this situation all together.

Will I regret turning mu backs on to my unborn child? Is it sin to keep in contact with my ex-girlfriend as friend and like her even though we went on our separate own ways? Can’t we be friends and share about our different future? It is my ideology to believe in what I believe and not in what others ask me to believe. I can tolerate being shot but I can’t tolerate being told what to do and what not to do. I am no more a kid and I know what is right or wrong. I don’t need to be told and shackled in conventional beliefs of society and people around. I am what I am and I can’t change me for the world.

I want to get away from this conditioned knot called marriage. Only thing stopping me is that unborn child and that gift of life. What is his/her mistake that she/he will have to suffer rest of her/his life. In life I have suffered as I was brought up by single parent who too left me when I was around four years old. It was hard for me like other children as wings of support and opportunity is clipped. I struggled to reach where I am now. Should my child suffer the same fate? Should my child become the victim of parental dispute? I don’t want that but when father is shackled in hell, how can child be brought up in heaven.

The better idea could be for father to get out of hell first and then pull child upto the heaven where there is freedom of thoughts, actions and living.  When life is hell, thoughts will be depressing and writing would be morbidly depressing.