In morning of 30th November 2012, I worriedly went to office and browsed the rcsc website. My heart was pounding as if some shamans in night were about to foretell my future. My name was not in top five which was of course expected. My name was not in top ten which started sending red light through my spine. As I scroll the mouse, it was neither in top 20. The perspiration streamed through pores of the skin. I was worried that my name might to be in league of 36 which was a ticket to RIM. Many graduates would kill to get those limited spots if opportunities were to be given to strongest. God, my name was in 23rd rank for PGDPA programme. That was quite low even by my own expectation. The mixture of relief and overpowering sense of inferiority gripped my feelings.
My first question was; where did I go wrong? Then it was followed by zillions of others. Could examiners be wrong? I was shaken to core. The complex sort of inferiority thought crept into my mind. My friends hoped better result for me which I knew was not possible but then I too had expected better result than that. Where did I go wrong? Once I got the answers, the emotive hue of my feelings just disappeared like vernal rainbow. I was happy and thankful for being included in class of 36.
Then I went on listing obvious and not so obvious reasons for underachievement in this exam of prized lottery. I listed various reasons I could mind in almost obsolete head of mind that needed greasing before it was too late. The immediate culprits were these two; my handwriting wasn’t good and it was exacerbated by shaky paralytic hand. I could finish writing but that wasn’t an excuse and this would in no way lower my score. Then what were the reasons of such a disappointing performance?
Dzongkha Paper: I realized my essay went beyond purview that topic demanded. Worse I realized it when I was almost completing it. On addition, three years of useless stay in India and disregard to national language on my part has screwed my dzongkha further. My expertise in socio economic and political paper was limited to surface analysis. Blame it on laziness, because I couldn’t study. I am last minute reader. I was embroiled in dispute with my wife for few months which was emotionally and physically draining. Then there was pregnancy which would coincide with first day of examination. I had to be there like a guard dog preparing for uncertainty and expectations.
Suddenly I realized these two are also not the real reasons. I was just giving excuse that I myself don’t buy. Problem was just that I couldn’t control my own mind. When I went to India on professional scholarship, I loved a woman who betrayed me. That pain withheld me from doing anything good. It still does though in insignificantly now. That I suspect was even cause of my paralysis. When doctor couldn’t name the disease, it must have been manifestation of my mental weakness into mental disability. I never studied as I was supposed, for the first time in life, I flunked in college. I skipped most the class call it lovesick or homesick. As a film student, my classroom teachings were mostly movie-watching and analyzing. That didn’t really improve my intellectual capacity. Worst I didn’t take initiative of self-study. I was contented with pass mark in the college. Learning is a continuous process. I shouldn’t have taken three years break in college. I shouldn’t have bunked the class. I should have written the thesis papers instead of copying from the google. I should have interacted with teachers instead of sleeping at the back. I should have kept the same spirits of not bothering about syllabus but actual learning.
Back in Bhutan, I was recruited as a producer in advertising department in BBS for last almost two years. Since there was dearth of marketing officers, two of us, the new recruits were made to do marketing against the will. The marketing didn’t involve research and writing, it was all about begging in dignified ways. Obviously it didn’t help me. I realized too late how much I hated the job. By the time, I realized that I was a busy who had just crossed the threshold of youth and on the way to fatherhood. The jobs have too become demanding and competition was fierce. Two of us were pitted against seniors who had advantages against clients by virtue of being senior and who have advantages of having connection that even resulted in slight favour from boss. Worst, two new guts and on-the-face answer was least appreciated. I had to juggle between targets achievements and the reality show which was drawing to an end. Apart from the fatherhood was imminent. By calculation, it coincided with the day of my examination. Yet I was happy, I waited for the D-Day for title change. Study was forgotten epic.
Despite slight prick of guilt for letting myself down, I am happy man. Now I am a happy man with beautiful daughter who smiled in her sleep. When I say beautiful, it is for the father though you can gauge from my appearance what looks my daughter carried. I wouldn’t trade this fatherhood for million dollars. Now I am a happy man who qualified in class of thirty six. Now I am happy man who likes writing this nonsense. Now I am a happy man surrounded by intelligent friends and foes. Oh! Now I am a happy man who likes to close my laptop.